“Bossy Girl”: Let’s Change the Way We Talk About Women in Leadership

I I Graphic Courtesy of Jillian Cheney

The opinions reflected in this OpEd are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of staff, faculty and students of The King's College.

“Your house needs to rebrand itself. Hopefully, no one too aggressive is voted into the role of president. You need a more passive person in your house leadership.” 

This is something that a fellow student leader told me and a group of my house members on more than one occasion. They listed multiple women who shouldn’t run for student leadership positions because they were “too aggressive.” Their identity is of no consequence, but the underlying implications of their words are of great consequence and indicate a larger problem in our community. 

Their words sound a lot like a dangerous phrase that I often heard on the playground growing up: “You are such a bossy girl.”

I am not writing this op-ed as a disgruntled former SBP candidate—I love my school and I love its student body. I am, however, writing this op-ed as someone who has been involved in this community for three years and has heard her fair share of similar, albeit more sophisticated, phrases. My time in student leadership is almost over, but we are now ushering in a new group of student leaders, and some of them will face the same issues that I have. 

Why do we praise the tenacity of male leaders, all the while criticizing the so-called “assertiveness” of their female counterparts? The traits that we praise in our male student leaders are seen as flaws for female student leaders.  

When I prepped for the SBP debates and speeches, I didn’t have to focus as much on refining my ideas—I was confident in those. I did, however, spend a considerable amount of time working with my team to tone down my language so that people didn’t see me as a shrew. I couldn’t be too confident about my experience and skill, because I would seem arrogant and overbearing. I couldn’t express righteous indignation, because I would seem bitter and angry. I tempered my views on certain things and held back when I should have spoken up. Some of that is on me, and some of that is on the double standards that exist in our community for female student leaders. 

During the campaign, people who had never even spoken to me referred to me as “controlling” and “too competitive.” A few even chose a much more derogatory word to describe me. Of course, this is not to say that I am not deserving of criticism that is well-founded and respectful. As much as I tried to pretend that these insensitive remarks and attitudes didn’t affect me, they did. I’ve chosen to speak up because these attitudes don’t only affect me—they affect every single one of us. 

When women speak up and voice their displeasure in a formal leadership capacity, they are characterized as “trouble-makers,” despite their almost-always worthy intentions. When they are ambitious or competitive, they are considered prideful. There is also a flip side to this. Women who are strong and tenacious but have a more gentle exterior are characterized as weak, or passive. While not all instances of sexism are as blatant as the ones above, they have an effect nonetheless. Leadership is hard enough without having to constantly combat these stereotypes. 

I’ve experienced and witnessed the double standard of leadership at The King’s College more times than I can count, which has had quite an effect on how I lead. I came to a realization at a council meeting earlier this year: there was an issue, and I needed to address it with the rest of the council. A member of the council encouraged me to lean into my righteous indignation and express my views boldly. As good as their intentions were, I knew that I would have to hold back so that I didn’t appear to be too assertive or controlling. To be clear, I didn’t think that anyone on the council would criticize me, but this tendency is a part of my subconscious. Before I do just about anything in my leadership position, I evaluate whether or not I will be perceived as aggressive or shrill, and I adjust accordingly. 

When a man expresses righteous anger or boldly speaks up about an issue, he is a warrior. When a woman does the same, she is a shrew. 

Student leadership is an important cornerstone in our community. We will always talk about it and focus on it. I think we need to reevaluate how we talk about it. Let’s stop referring to our female student leaders as either “passive” or “aggressive.” Women are so much more complex than this reductionist dichotomy. 

Election season is nearly over. As we usher in a new group of student leaders, let’s refrain from characterizing our female student leaders as one thing or another. Stop telling them to “calm down,” or to stop being competitive, opinionated, and forceful. We need to celebrate our female student leaders for their strength and tenacity, instead of shaming them. I’m not writing this as an attention grab or because I am trying to further some contrived narrative. I am writing this because I know that we can be better. We need to encourage everyone, regardless of gender, to grow in their roles, fight for what’s right, and be kind to one another.